A Hard One.

So I have something super heavy I would like to open the conversation about. I would like to present this topic to maybe find others that can relate and understand. I would like to open the conversation about child abuse. I’m a product of it, my mind, heart and soul, have been forever altered because of it. And even a bigger deal since the day my baby was born, I will have to live with the struggle of breaking the cycle of abuse. I think it’s important for me to talk about this on here, for me, for Baby G, and possibly some readers.

Abuse is such a weird demon. First of all there’s many different kinds. There’s the physical, emotional, and one you hear about less often but is prevalent “abuse through neglect”. In my case is was a combination of these three that I grew up with. I was beaten so badly at one point I actually started having flash backs during classes. It was the strangest thing I would blink and in the moment when my eyes shut I would be back in some scary situation. Next thing I knew I would be sitting in the middle of class bawling my eyes out not knowing where I was. It has taken me years to get over what I was put through growing up. I was adopted when I was a teenager, have taken myself to therapy, and spent a pile of my time trying to process what happened as not to carry around anger in my soul because of it. It’s been a hard process but I’ve come so far.

I think the scariest thing of the abuse is now having my own baby. Like I said above breaking the cycle of abuse is a struggle. Now, don’t take what I’m saying wrong, I’m not tempted to hurt my baby but I have to be conscience everyday of the difference between “what I know” (because it’s all I ever knew) and what is right. I have to actively teach myself how to not get angry with my child, how to represent every action with love first and foremost. And some days I can’t help but to get sad because I missed out on all of these beautiful moments I’m now having with my child, I feel short changed sometimes but only for a moment till I realize how truly lucky I am and let my self fall back into my amazing life.

I can tell you this, not only am I breaking the cycle of abuse but I have and will always have an amazing relationship with with my daughter. No past experiences, trauma, or sad people will change that for me. We will be close, she will know me as what a mother should be, someone warm with love and good intention. She will never fear me and she will always know she can come to me with anything. That is one positive thing to come out of my hard life.

The day I had Georgiah was the day I shut the door on my hard past, the day I moved on and into a life just full of love and light. I know years from now when Baby G reads this there will be a million questions about my past and I’ll be ready. And one thing I’ll make sure to tell her is you create your own future we decide everyday to live in a life of love or not and she will see an example of someone who makes the decision of love.