And the next chapter begins.
I’ve been dreading this post, which has been leading to my radio
silence in writing at all lately. Between the birthdays and holidays
that March and April bring I couldn’t make it feel right to get this
all out. Plus the always asked question do I even want this out there?
After all, I know there’s people who I know do but I wish didn’t read
this blog and I honestly really don’t want them knowing every little detail of my current life. But, I’m not going to let the fear of judgement prevent me from my writing. It’s taken me a bit of thinking to figure out how to
gracefully put this out into the world, over come my own fear of being
judged, and just be honest. I started two weeks ago telling close
friends, I then sat and did an interview for the documentary, and
lastly I’m going to as gracefully and respectfully let this last
little circle in on the changes happening over in our little corner of
As you read somewhere around last August, Mark and I split. We agreed
living together and co-parenting was the best option for our family,
we didn’t want to shake up Gs world because we had some things to deal
out and honestly I was thinking those things would eventually be
worked out. But, upon my return from my tour it was more then clear
not only would things not work themselves out but it was not a healthy
environment being created for anyone, the current situation just wasn’t working.
Here’s the part where it’s hard to not point fingers, write out of
anger, let the years of hope I held poor out on here for the world to
see and return with love, support and understanding (I’m needing extra
these days). I am going to say I’m tired,I’m worn, I’m even OK saying I’m broken after so many years of just trying. But, you can not force change or fix another person’s problems
for them, it’s just not possible and I’ve lost a big piece of myself
with trying to do just that for a very long time. It’s all just become too much, too many lies, too many let downs, too much wasted time, just too much.
So now where does that leave us? Well, firstly I’m in a state of
morning, the loss of what I thought could be even at the darkest
moments, the reality of those dreams never coming true, a vision of a
life I’ll never see. It leaves three weeks till Mark moves to his own
place and split custody. It leaves a shell of a person who has lost a
huge part of her identity as much as she’s gained a new one in recent
years. It leaves a whole new life yet to be begin.
With being forced to still live under the same roof my emotions are
running constant cycles. If there’s a glimmer of happiness I get angry
at how they are ending, special trips and moments (how ever rare) with the three of us
almost seem surreal because most of them will be the “lasts”.
I think the worse thing of all is the waiting, the waiting of starting
our new lives the loss of the unhealthy dependency replaced by new
routines and independence.
G, knows something is up she’s almost as emotional as myself these
days. I’ve been taking extra care to nurture her. She’s been sleeping
in my bed and having consistent talks about how she’s loved. She will
never feel how I felt as a child when my parents split, not even close. I’m a better mother than that and am making damn sure of it in such a sensitive time. My mother was selfish in how she raised me particularly during her divorce there will be no repeats here.
You know how they say when one door closes another one opens? Well, I
hope on the other side of that door there’s light, calmness, hope, and
understanding for a better future because god knows it’s time for it.
I promise you somewhere in this pile of mourning there is a little
spark of hope still but a new different kind. And in time I’m sure
you’ll see this spark grow into a new flame but only very slowly. I’m
being kind and gentle to myself these days, taking each day as it
comes not rushing or over thinking, figuring out how to nurture myself
so I can be the mom I want to be and relearn how to be the person I
want to be outside of that role.
So there you have it, life laid out in plain site. Reality as best I
know it. Thank you dear readers for being part of this journey so far
and welcome to the next chapter. Who wants to hold my hand? Cause god
knows it’s scary.