wow this is weird

Ok so this journal thing can hurt peoples feelings if ...well what you think will hurt them grrrrrr that is what i hate i dont mean to hurt anyone ...why is it when someone knows what they want they end up insulting someone? Well this is me this is my life and ...yes thats how it is...sorry if i hurt anyone but i just want to figure things out for myself, I dont fully know who i am or fully what I want. I know what makes me happy and what dosn't. Drama defiantly dosn't. I know right now there is only one person i would ever consider getting with a semi serious thing, because I know I could be with him forever if giving the chance. Yet this person dosn't seem to care or give me the time of day anymore when i see him round, which is ok i've settled, i wish i could be saying it was more his loss then mine .....but that would be a total lie. So now I sit not really waiting but kinda. That part of my life is floating before me. I'm not even sure if i want it to be doing more then that. I do know I want to party and not feel bad for anything I may do there, I want to go to boston and cuddle with my cuddle bear and not worry who it may upset, because as of right now, the only person i would care i hurt if it happened.....even most of the time still think about when i do stuff like that is the one I can't have. Sorry. 

Besides that i just polished off my cookies, and am really and i totally lost the "do u know ur room mate game" soooooo bad. I got a great new book about soul searching and stuff, excited to read it.

why is it the unattainable, is so tempting? Is this gods way of a sick joke?

Grrrrrr im starting to hurt again over him, why do we have to work together? i really dont want to anymore, this weekend will show how everything will turn out its his last chance, lol like ive said a hundred times. I sit here and claim i dont want anyone...blablabla.....but i really am lying to myself, I really want to be happy and with him no one else right now, sure i have my distractions but is that fair to them? for the past few months I've ignored it, but now its all over flowing again. Grrrr why do i waste my time on something so hopeless? Grrrrrr why can't i just be a lesbian!?

Kirby Costa Campos