Still can not sleep.
I have had issues sleeping since I was a child. It has never really bothered me too much till now, till I actually care about getting up and going. If I don’t sleep my motivation goes to shit. Funny how things set me off into the world of non-motivation which would be OK except then my mind races and I can only stop it by thinking of something that takes over my lungs, mind, body, everything. Like last night, I decided to kill some time and watch some late nineties music videos on You Tube. It was great that music brings me emotions and feelings like nothing else in this world. What started out as something simple lead me to do something very much needed. I sat down with a tall glass of soda and rum and wrote the last letter which will be the last form of contact to my blood parents for the rest of mine and their lives. I cried over things that have needed to be cried over for years, I felt emotions that were bottled up for so long they weighed me down incredibly, I let every last tear fall knowing they would be the last over this topic. I have passed my pain from twenty years back to the people who gave it to me, finally. FINALLY I have excepted who and what the were, are, and are going to continue being. I’ve opened my eyes to knowing that I am a good person who has made the best out of the little that was giving me and don’t need to live with that pain anymore. My parents died last night and that is perfectly OK.