Been there before.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll even ever feel that fire again…and not have to force it or fake it. My whole life has been one big game of give this up to get that and I’m so tired. Sometimes I wonder if I used up those breath taking moments all early on. Like we only have an allotted amount given to us and people like me who have no patience just jump in too quick. I haven’t felt a tug on my soul in so long it seems. I’ve been through so much over the years, add my intense personality to the mix and it adds up to a lot. Thing is I’ve just felt everything so deeply growing up. When I loved I REALLY loved deeper then I’ve ever loved since, when I hurt it hurt like nothing I’ve ever felt. Maybe I’m just worn down after so many years. I’m an adult now, over everything with a fairly in control life with limited drama but that doesn’t mean my heart forgot my pain of so many years when my brain has. People use to get so confused by me and my over ambitious, almost OCD ways but it was my cooping, when something good came into my life I held on as tight as I could and tried to feel every last drop of good so I didn’t have to feel the pain of growing up. Maybe this is the only way I know how to feel, under pressure all or nothing. I still can taste the emotions sometimes they come to me when I sleep and rarely when I’m awake attached to some piece of history in my brain. I’m so tired today.