Life in a storm.
March always has such power. Year after year it sweeps in with it's strong winds and shakes things up, forcing self reflection and beyond anything growth. March was good to me this year, difficult but, good to me. So so so many wonderful things have come together with my career it's just beautiful. Yet, as with any life there's always a balance and my personal and relationship centered part of my life took a bit of a dive recently.
Again a storm has passed, yet to clear but the worst is over. My emotions are drained, not a bad place to be in spring (renewal is always welcomed in this heart) yet not a fun place to be either.
In just over a month's time my home will become just that MY home when my ex moves out and really we're all as a family forced to move on. It's a scary leap. It's a scary world. There's comfort in even things that bring conflict, there's a safety in a routine that even I can grow attached to. A necessary leap though...
Still, buried under all that fear, and nervousness about the unknown is the spark no matter how dim it is this spark has haunted me my entire life. A little while back I started importing my old old old journal entries to this blog, 2005 on (and I'm not even near finished). However embarrassing they may be to the older me I feel it's important to be able to face ones self, be able to look back at the past and just understand. I do this through my writing, through my journaling and blogging. I was shocked to realize even from so young (and even thinking about earlier before my writings) all I have ever been after, what has always fueled my every single move in this world is finding love and not just any love but THE love. The essence of who I am is in this search, that search for that person who I feel, I've always felt is somewhere out there, living, breathing, existing on some level just to find me and my breath and my life.
So I'm going to take what this March has given me, the rewards of my hard work doing good, the struggles of my communication issues, having to face the fear of living independently from the person that makes up the other half of mine and my daughter's family and try to understand this is all just part of the trip, the journey to the person I need to become and grow into. I'm hoping that when that little spark turns into the flame and I'm lucky enough to cross paths with the person I have yet to meet (but know all too well) I'll be ready because I've excepted this journey proudly.