I've been so timid to write open and honestly lately. Firstly my recent involvement with government related things, my new job, and recent press coverage has me almost feeling I have to protect a bit more these days "be more professional"…whatever that means. Secondly, things have not been so pretty. I always seem to loose the urge to write when things aren't pretty or aren't what I want them to be.
Life has been interesting since the storm, the only way I've been able to explain it has been calling it "a shift in my soul". Everything has changed, from my role within my neighborhood to the people in my daily life. While some things remain like my wonderful band and my management career which I still adore, others have stepped out of the picture. Mark pretty much abandoned us during the chaos of the storm. I had to not only get through the crisis with my amazing neighborhood but in the wake of the daycare being destroyed, and everyone around loosing most of their lives work, I had to for the first time really feel the weight of being a single parent. Some of my amazing neighbors banded together to help me watching G when they could, walking my dog twice a day, and eventually helping me find more permanent sitters I could call on a hours notice. Not to mention the amazing new friends who have not only become solid role models in G's life but have also filled in as sitters when I had other obligations for work both new and old pop up.
While we have a strong new group of friends around us (my dream crew really) that keeps my loft busy with quality time spent together these days. (I'm so thankful for each and every person) Inevitably when the holidays came around and everyone went home, it got lonely. The weight of loneliness has been a heavy and unexpected one.
For a split second that weight was lifted when I met a man, a beautiful man. And we had a magical few days before he had to leave to return home. I haven't felt this way in years. I've only felt this intensity one time before with one boy when I was young that turned into a lifetime of wonder over what ever happened to him.
I live for these feelings, however rare. The amazing feeling of an intense connection, like you've known each other for years. Comfort. The first moment I saw him a little bit of my breath was taken away. The same thing that happened with the first boy nearly 13 years ago in a moment I still can place myself in like it was yesterday. I don't understand these feelings, lust maybe? My romantic mind wants to think more, soul or past life related. Something deeper.
Ultimately, our time together was short and at no fault of my own. I'm sitting now with a bit of a bruised heart. One of two things happened, the intensity was too much and he panicked or I fell right into a player with the perfect words trap for trusting souls like my own. Again my romantic mind latches on with a tight hold everything was real. Either way, someone capable of leaving without explanation, without offering a shred of understanding is not someone to be held closely in my world.
So I'm left with a bruised heart which has made me do some major thinking via a week long escape out of the city in North Carolina. If I can be affected so easily by a single person, which also makes me think of the pain of my recent separation and how much that hurt even without the soul connection there, what does that say about me? What does that say about me as a woman? What does that say about me as a mom?
I'm still figuring out what my life looks like as a single mother, a crisis survivor, successful career woman, a woman nearing coming into her 30s in general. But, in one heart felt afternoon I've realized yes while how this guy treated me was shitty, how I've reacted, how I've felt has so much more to do with me than it ever did have to do with him.
I hope I find those magic feelings again with someone new, and sometime soon. The thirteen year break between then and now was a long one. Part of me is thankful to just know it's out there, it's possible, it wasn't just dumb young love the first time around. The fact that love is real and to be had even by someone as busy, as complex, and as worn as myself. That's possibly even worth celebrating.
Now to stop listening to the soul wrenching folk music, one step at a time, one step at a time.