Mind Dump. All over the place.
We’ve had much going on lately but I haven’t been in the least bit motivated to write about it. I hate that feeling because I know if I could just force myself to write, to communicate and sort my thoughts I would feel so much better. Maybe even connect and relate with someone new in the blogging world. I know how endlessly supportive and understanding this community is, but alas, it’s been a shitty little period over in this side of the internet and I’ve been stubbornly pouting.
Isn’t this how blogging and online lives can be misleading? Show all the good sides, hide all the bad and everything is OK in that person’s “world”. Don’t tell and no one will know! Not that I’ve ever done that here. Hell, we’ve been through our struggles to the point where sometimes I feel like I’m just at the point of whining and tiring even myself with it all. But, this is the reality and here I am and again life has gotten hard.
About two weeks ago the Dr’s concluded what was making me sick is Sjogren’s Syndrome a sort of cousin of Lupus. It’s an autoimmune disorder where my body is attacking itself particularly in the glands but a little less severe than Lupus. I can be in the sun (unlike with lupus) and have fewer triggers that can cause flareups which I’m thankful for.
That’s not to say I haven’t been shaken up, a LOT learning my diagnosis. I mean I wasn’t in the dark, I had a hunch that it was autoimmune related what was going on with me since I have literally been ill for what seems like years now. But being hit with the reality of a life long illness was not something I was prepared for. Also the emotional shock of the possibility of not having any more children because of my diagnosis since there’s risks to the baby is making me sad. (but more about that in a more relevant post). It’s all been hard to face especially since I’m still working emotionally through stuff life already tossed my way in recent years unrelated. Layer by layer.
*whining alert* Somedays I’ve been finding myself asking the universe, “when will I get a god damn break!!!???” Seems like when one thing works out or is over another shitty thing gets tossed on my plate. Over and over.
See what I mean? Not the prettiest picture around here lately… kinda depressing.
Poor W being new to mine and G’s life and having to deal with all this stress, waiting on me hand and foot post surgery, and dealing with my melt downs when anything at all can set me off into a blubbering crying baby as of late. (Hey blotched mothers day can we just have a do over please?!) He’s been incredible and I’m so so so thankful and lucky to have such a strong, patient, and supportive partner at my side. He makes me stronger each day that we’ll face all of this and come out on the other side stronger, all of us.
On Monday I had surgery (my first EVER surgery) to remove my tonsils and take gland samples to check for lymphoma. The Dr’s think it could be a big piece of the puzzle to my illness and could improve my day to day quality of life greatly. But does the post surgery pain SUCK! I’ve always heard it’s bad when you’re an adult to have them removed but this is just silly bad. I can’t eat, hardly sleep more than ten mins at a time, and forget about talking. They also took some biopsies of skin from my inner lip so half my bottom lip is swollen/puckered like I get a really bad lip job. Horrifying. I’ve already declared to W if I don’t heal up normal I’m getting a real lip job to correct the damage. (really its THAT bad)
I just found out last min I have to speak at a prestigious conference next week presenting one of my client’s products (god willing I’ll be able to talk again by then!) and I’m already trying to think of the correct joke to let the 3000+ (mostly men) audience I did not in fact just get bad plastic surgery but had oral surgery for my health. Oh Vey!
Good news is even though the passage from my mouth to my throat is really swollen, with the little fleshy bastards gone I can breath incredibly well through my nose. First time in my entire life I’ve been able to take a full deep breath in that way. I’m excited once I heal up to see how this affects everything really. My running, yoga, and sleep should be so so so much better and dare I say easier? I’m excited (and in typical Kirby fashion) impatient to find out. 2014 seems to have a reoccurring trend of forcing me (against my will) to be patient.
(Also) AFJ - Week 2 & 3
Even though I fell off the map on my blogging as things became more difficult over here I’m proud to report I rocked the face off my fitness plan for week 2. I decided once I’m healed and back at it I’ll be doing weekly rather than daily updates on here about my progress. While I’m getting off topic as of late because well that’s life, this is a parenting blog and I plan to get it back to just that!
Still I am going to take a moment and brag a bit about the fitness side of things because I kicked week 2’s butt. Week 3 was tough to work out being I spent most of the week in the hospital getting every pre-op test done known to man. Also conveniently enough both of the treadmills in my building’s gym broke, one which was SO old I think someone purposely attacked it to get them to replace it (I wish I knew that person/had that big of balls to pull THAT off) I still managed to accomplish something HUGE for me. Week 3 I ran a mile.
While one mile is not that far for many it’s a huge accomplishment for me. Facing the fatigue and the challenges my immune system has been creating for my body made a mile seem like 30 when I started this journey to health. So getting there and running it without getting the joint pain or winded gave me real hope that if I keep it up, little by little I’ll get better, become better, and stronger. Another noticeable change was my upper body strength improving too. I noticed a couple times when picking up G I could not only hold her again but walk a distance with her in my arms when a month ago this felt near impossible. So maybe I am learning a little about this patience thing after all, almost three months of hard work, really hard work paying off!
Bummer I have to back burner the exercise and solid food (can’t eat anything but liquids for a couple weeks) which mean I’ll be started again from zero once healed. One thing I can say about this process is it’s challenging me to not only learn patience but also many lessons in self reflection. Less whining and more self reflection would probably be a good goal for me (and my relationship) as I move further into this healing process.
I guess with all the changes in the past 4 months I’ve lost sight of what I want in life because I’ve been forced to sit back and slow down to just care for my health and nothing else. It’s been a hard shift in my prospective. I wrote before our move about intentions and I think it’s time to step back and release some into the world again.
Few things I know for certain I want now:
- I’m going to get healthy and continue on gaining back my fitness and my life from this illness even if I have to start from zero again in a couple weeks. I’m F*&%^ determined, I will end 2014 as healthier person.
- I’m going to commit further to my writing and my book ideas. I have 3 unfinished proposals they will be finished THIS year.
- To commit to making this a parenting blog again, SO MANY thoughts like my old writing floating around in my head just need to take the leap now. I’m doing really really well in the mommy world and want to share more about that and our adventures. I recently found and set up another space for my other writing and am looking forward to have both sites active.
- I want out of this loft style living (yes I will miss the gym/pool) and into a smaller cozy home, with a back yard and a place to sit at the end of the day with our feet up and a glass of wine. More particularly a place where we can let this warm Cali breeze through our window and hear the birds sing not annoying neighbors. I want that and didn’t realize till really today how much I want it.
This post is so scattered, I know (maybe its the pain meds speaking) really a mind dump (Whining! Health! Fitness! Intentions! Shiny things! Oh My!) Maybe it’s just a little spring cleaning in this little space but this is our world right now every little whine along the way. Not perfect but getting there every painful step of the way.