Somewhere on the internet in the past couple days I saw this image of this quote from F. Scott. Fitzgerald and it struck a chord with me. Firstly F. Scott is one of my ultimate favorite writers of all time. How he writes, the images he creates, I love everything about his and his generation’s work. A large part of my first trip to Paris was spent tracking down that group’s old haunts. I’m not sure what developed first, my love for these writers or my love for this european city, either way it works out since both this group of people and the magical city are so associated with one another.
Secondly this statement hit home because it’s exactly where my minds been lately. The somewhat forced “slowing down” in my lifestyle no longer traveling and needing to put my health first has offered a lot of time for reflection. And more than once I’ve found myself asking, questioning myself, even sometimes second guessing lately, what it is in this life that will make me truly, fully, happy and proud. And I’m starting after a lot of rough reflecting to realize I just may not have the answer to those questions and the most unsettling thought of all is that may just be…well…OK.
For a long time I fought for my career. I would battle one of the hardest industries daily be beaten down often eventually getting back up and celebrating every single little success. It was exhausting and it was rough yet, I’m thankful for everything I’ve learned no matter how tough it was to learn it. Now as I sit here the music industry behind me with some leads but not fully clear or established leads as to where my next stop is along my life journey I’m sometimes just baffled (not common ofr my type A ways). Part of me knows it’s time to stop let that lifestyle and industry go…which is what I’m doing. The other part of me is scared of the change, unsure in any moves, totally untrusting of the unknown to the point of stressing.
Each day is getting a little easier though with this back and forth as I reflect and grow use to the new normal. I need to have the faith and the trust I’m on the right path…I know easier said than done…. and I eventually will. Soon, I hope.
Somethings are becoming clearer already to me which I’m thankful for like my parenting improving. G’s becoming more and more high demand the older she gets (more about that in another long post to come) so I’m happy for this timing in my lifestyle change as her needs have changed. My traveling less and the fact she’s with us 100% of the time after being in split households before is really helping us both rock it. Don’t get me wrong I’m SO not anywhere near perfect, we have bad days like anyone but I’m much more confident than I’ve been so far as a parent. I feel 100% capable even as she’s growing to be more and more needy requiring intense attention from us to navigate that roller coaster of childhood emotions. I feel so good about our current relationship and our family unit growing that strong base it needs to succeed.
Another part of me benefiting from the time is my writing. I’ve always been a writer. Before blogging I would write pages upon pages in journals that started about my junior year in high school. I started my first (and long gone) blog in 2003 which makes just over a decade of my ramblings and over sharing being somewhere online. When I don’t write I feel dimmer as a person if that makes sense. All this time and reflection is opening that all back open in me. Feels good.
Lastly I’m starting to pinpoint (I think) the things that really make me happy and the kind of life I want to create for my family. What I thought was an obsession with the music industry really at the end of the day I’ve realized is an obsession with the traveling I was doing for my work. W and I have this shared passion, the nomad urges within our veins and as I’ve written about in the past looks as though G has it too. We have some ideas how to take this family of ours and create a dream life we want which looks very very different than the one we’re living now. I’m excited to keep dreaming and moving towards our future.
Isn’t life such an interesting thing? We have an opportunity constantly to reinvent and make our dreams come true if you’ll only have a little bit of trust.
What in life are you proud of? What does that mean to you? Different than how I’m feeling it? Have you already created it or are you on your path still? I’m so interested to know more about all of you out there and see if there’s anywhere we relate as I’m navigating this new chapter.