(Sorry for the repost tumblr ate it the first time around….so here’s a post from Monday!)
This little girl is Caitlin. Caitlin should have been your other God Mothers except it didn’t work out that way. Caitlin was my best friend growing up baby girl. One of the only people I’ve had in my life who had stood by me through it all, who was always honest with me, and was just so true to herself everyday. One thing about Caitlin though is we’re very very similar in SO many ways. So much so that we bash heads very easily. On top of that we’re both such passionate people we not only bash heads we’ll fight till the death to get the other to see our point of view. The old saying two positives equal a negative is very true with our relationship. We had one big falling out that made us part ways for sometime we then became friends again for a bit till we had a HUGE blow out not very long before you were in my belly.
A big part of wished I could go back and rewrite time. I want to rewrite the part of my life where she kissed my tummy and sang you silly songs through my streched skin in that silly little voice she does so well, I can almost feel her little dainty hands on my tummy. I want to remember her into the memories of when I was so overwhelmed and sick when pregnant she made me tea, cuddled me, and told me it would be alright. I want to sketch her into the photos from your birth placing her beside me, caressing my shoulders during the hardest feat my body has ever accomplished. I want her there giving me water and cooling down my forehead during that once in a lifetime event. I want to smell the yumminess in our kitchen the days following your birth of her homemade cooking I have yet to find anywhere else. I want to be able to look back at the photos of her holding little newborn you with that spark in her eye because she was just so over joyed to meet you. But, you know what baby I won’t be able to have all this because you can’t change the past and you can’t just recreate things no matter how badly you want them to be different.
When I was pregnant Mark tried to get us to make-up, only thing is he did this by inviting Caitlin to my baby shower and not telling me about it till a few days before the event. A kind jesture by my husband but for anyone who has ever been pregnant or that hormonal you know it’s not a good thing to shock someone in such a sensitive state. Caitlin tried calling me shortly after this and I was just so overwhelmed I buckled, panicked, and pushed off dealing with her or the situation. Now I wish I had.
I wish I had fought through the walls of emotions I was facing back then. I wish I had just listened to my husband and not had been so hard headed at the time. I wish I had her in my life then and I wish I had her in my life now. We exchanged one letter when I was pregnant where Caitlin admitted to me she had in fact been reading this very blog and had broke down in tears when she found out you were a girl. I am so thankful that somewhere out there even if she doesn’t know you someone loves you so deeply they have shed tears of joy over your conception.
I haven’t spoken to Caitlin since I was pregnant. And if we don’t ever reconcile I hope baby girl you can at least trust me when I tell you this, some of the most important relationships in your life will not be easy. Some of the people you love the most will be the ones you hurt and who hurt you the most. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean it will automatically be a perfect relationship. Sometimes being a good friend means fighting for a relationships when it’s at it’s worst. I also hope baby you learn how to be a better friend sooner then I did because I let my hard head get in the way of my love for someone and now I carry around regrets.
Every now and then I see on my google analytics report for this blog a visit from someone in the town where Cait and I grew up. And there’s a little spark of hope that she is following you as you grow because I want you to be a part of her life even if it’s too painful right now for her to be a part of ours. I love, loved, and will always love you Caitlin.