The Demands on the Modern Mother
I’m sitting outside right now as the sunset in Nashville along a beautiful river. I’m on the road again and finally able to process something that’s been lingering in my mind for some time, I was just never able to put it into words till now. I’m talking about a lack of focus and my constant struggle with it.
I’ve had a very very busy few years. Between starting and keeping my business going, to having G, and all the way to my separation, things have been frankly very very busy. Currently I’m faced with this business trip followed by two big conferences, a showcase, and a tour all in two weeks! So yes I’m the first to admit things are complicated, yet, I can’t help to feel a little guilty, and stressed over the lack of focus I sometime have as a mom because of my schedule. Then there’s the travel. Three days here, two in Chicago, than off to Toronto for a week. And while yes, I L-O-V-E traveling, I’m lucky even to GET to travel as much as I do. Gosh how I live for the moments just like this one with the last golden sun beams peaking through the trees while hearing the wind blowing through the leaves. It’s not actually the stress of being away from home that gets to me but when I’m completely present at home yet not present in mind.
*Funny how a camera angle can make a house seem clean…..don’t let it fool you
This week knowing I had more traveling coming up I really went out of the way to spend some focused time with G, one of the things we did together is a wooden alphabet puzzle she has. She would grab a piece hold it up to me, I would shift it right side up in her little hand tell he what letter it was and the corresponding item in the picture on the board where she would with the deepest of thought look the board over squealing and shoving the wood piece into place once found. This time, this focus felt so good, SO right for us both. But, I’m ashamed to say these moments seem all too far and in-between currently.
It’s SO hard to balance it all. I work from home so while yes, it is possible to keep an eye on G and work is it healthy? To focus I essentially have to ignore her repeated “play with me” requests (UGH I hate it). Some days I just feel like I’m failing at everything…I don’t have enough time to get everything for work done, she’s pissy at me because she just wants attention and I feel like a bad business owner but even worse a horrible mom. I have been super busy lately with my bigger band getting well “bigger”, taking on part time duties of being a single mom, and working to fix my financial troubles that come with a separation.
I’m not saying I’m not successful, hell I just got hired onto my dream tech project which while it really is a trial temp situation it pretty much has helped me know with my soon to be new room mate and soul sister (Cait G’s god mama) moves in I’m not only going to be OK financially but truly ok where I can work on paying things down and possibly even getting health insurance again. I guess what I’m saying here is even if there’s positive outcomes, it’s hard. Owning a business (well two businesses) is hard, running a non-profit is hard, being the mom I want to be (NEVER settling for anything less) is hard. Toss in my blogging, financial struggles, and fraction of a social life……what time is left? Fact is one person can not do everything 100%, no matter how amazing they are. Wrap this in with me being a very black and white person where there’s either success or failure and it’s no wonder I feel un-focused and scattered.
*ever just lay on the floor trying to collect your spinning brain?
Like I wrote about last month, I’m just pushing for a little balance. It’s just SO easy to say I’ll get there “after”, after this tour, after this CD release, after this holiday…after, after, after. I don’t want to live my life waiting for “after” to get here, I want to live in the moment now with wooden puzzles, a happy happy child and every single moment felt and enjoyed. I seem awfully whiny and pessimistic in this post, which really I’m not, I know I will achieve my goal at some point but finally being about to write this out feels good, really good. How do you busy moms keep it all going? What are your tricks to staying sane in a time where there’s more demands than ever?