This morning 5am I laid in my bed awake staring at my ceiling. Firstly because this cold I’ve been carrying around with me has finally started to REALLY kick my butt and make it hard to breath. Secondly, anxiety is slowly creeping its little horrible way back into my life. I’ve had issues with anxiety years ago which I eventually controlled but for some reason this week has been a challenge.
Yesterday the documentary being shot came to my house and followed us around a la “reality tv style”. It’s so odd to have a camera hovering you and having to “act natural”. Seems as though as OWS grows there’s a possibility of there being many more of these days. Granted I don’t mind it’s actually kind of fun but at 5am this morning I had everything running through my mind. Did I get too personal? Should I not have said this? Should I have said that? I trust the guy putting the documentary together, I’m actually honored to be involved in his work, his first video was amazing. Yet, this is so different then blogging there’s no going in and erasing, changing, removing. It’s all so “new”. One thing I keep thinking of is G getting older and watching this documentary, she’ll have something to be proud of her mom about, actually see her family in action! While this is exciting it is scary bringing my life that much more public and the whiplash I will inevitably face as Parents for Occupy Wall St. becomes more political and serious. Aka ANXIETY!
Besides from that I lay there thinking, am I working enough, are my clients happy, am I spending enough personal time with G, does the dog need more attention in this chaos, is Mark cool with picking up all my slack as I get more and more focused on all my hats I’m wearing these days?
Then at 5am as if on cue an amazing thing happened. I heard a little “mama” outside my bedroom door. G had wandered out of bed to come snuggle in mine. As soon as the door opened my dog came running in too. As if they had planned this they each took a side smooshing me in a big love sandwhich. Even more amazing, I was able to finally relax, let go and get a couple hours of sleep.
It’s so easy to doubt ones self, so easy to panic as life grows bigger than you ever thought it would be. But, still if you let the ones around you support you it not only makes it clear why you’re doing everything you believe in but makes you realize you’re capable and can handle everything life delivers.