Yeah...going THERE again.

It seems like I’ve written a million and one of these “oh I’ve been so busy to blog” or “life has gotten the better of me” posts, when I’ve needed to be honest with myself in the world of “me and blogging” there’s been so much more going on. I lost “it”, the one thing in this world that makes you passionate about anything, the “Gutso” one would say. And it’s been like this for sometime. The love/hate relationship with the hate winning most of the time. 

I started this little blog for my baby, I wanted a place to capture everything for her a digital notebook of sorts. Something from me to just her. Yet, after I really got into it I found so much more. I found a community, I found other young moms, I found friends who I otherwise wouldn’t have ever met. And I’m not ashamed to admit I had found popularity. After all everyone’s favorite topic is themselves and I’m no different. I remember when we first hit 1,000 followers I was ecstatic and felt like I had won some lottery of sorts. Not only did I have a TON to say but people were actually listening, commenting, getting involved with the words I put out in the world, it felt awesome. 

Then March came, and the stupid fake mommy blogger thing happened (yes I’m going there again). I held my head up high told the world I would not be scared off by one bad thing happening while deep down in my heart I knew I had been hurt. Then other readers started getting nasty with me over the whole situation even calling me a bad parent. At a low moment they rubbed some salt in the wounds, completely unnecessary. Not that I hadn’t been bashed on tumblr before, gosh I was an easy target, yet, being kicked while I was down it hurt me to the point of no return. At least not a real full return right away. So I took a break, from blogging in general. 

During this time period I got so many supportive emails and letters from wonderful people supporting my family, there for us. I’m ashamed to say most of those emails and notes went unanswered. Not because I didn’t care (oh my gosh how I cared) but because I just couldn’t deal, my mind wouldn’t let me face them. 

I’ve tried half assed attempts in the past months to get back into a blogging routine, but after how ever months off my readership had all but disappeared. I turned back to the community thinking people would have just waited around, welcome me back with open arms but after three short months a blog that was getting 5,000 hits a month was down to 300 a month if lucky.I KNOW, I’m not completely blogging for other people, I started this blog for me for my family, yet, how does one not feel the loss of 4,500 people? The comments, the love, the interaction? Again I felt defeated and the horrible feeling I felt the day I found everything bad came back because I had never faced it.

For a long time I told myself I wasn’t affected by that horrible event, that my family wasn’t affected. I even turned it into a funny party story telling people that “crazy” thing that happened. I think this denial made me loose my “spark” my passion for writing. My passion for saying “hey this is my family, these are my words, this is my kid and she’s awesome!”. I think for a long time I was forcing my writing to come back to me when really I was scared. Scared of facing the reality of what had happened, scared to face the fact I felt like I had let 4,500 people down by stopping my writing, scared I wasn’t doing the right things in general. 

One thing I’ve never wrote about or even told anyone my husband or BF because I feel horrible about it, I feel guilty is that before all this was discovered, I knew something was wrong. The day that Kim babysat for us I could feel it in my gut not to let her watch G, I JUST KNEW. And you know know what I didn’t stop it. I didn’t trust my gut, I just put my blind trust in this girl because everyone said it was OK, twice. It’s the biggest lesson as a mom I’ve ever learned to trust my gut. I’m going to carry the guilt and in turn fear from that mistake my entire life. 

Now, I know the rational thing here is the fact that this one crazy event is not the norm. We had known this girl for months and it wasn’t like she was a complete stranger, she was just a complete pycho con artist who was very good at what she does. We’ve met a ton of wonderful people online including our nanny of a year off of Sitter City. Bad people in this world is not the norm but the exception. Yet, as any mother I’m extra hard on myself and carry around the thought of “what if”. 

I’m not sure how I’m going to ever really going to get over that. I hope I just took the first step getting this all out. I really want to find my words again find my voice. I miss the community, I miss my readers, I miss reading all the wonderful blogs I use to follow without feeling anxious or jealous because they still have their words to share. It’s amazing as I poke around on here again so much has changed. So many blogs have moved to other formats, many have become CRAZY popular when a few months ago they had just started, and oh how many babies have grown into toddlers!!!! 

I don’t know if I’ll ever get my spark back, if I’ll ever write with the passion I once did or feel like I have the time again but I’m hoping this is the right first step to getting back there, 5,000 or 1,000 readers. I’ve missed you, I’ve missed this, and I’m sorry I was away. 

Dreams are nothing more than wishes

And a wish’s just a dream

Your wish to come true

-Kenny Nilsson

Kirby Costa Campos