You Fell and I Failed.
Last week you fell of the couch. As in gravity grabbed onto your little body and caused you pain IN-FRONT-OF-ME. I felt and feel horrible over it. I put you down on our vary deep couch (in the corner) like I had done SO many times before trusting you would sit there and stare at the dogs for a bit while I, a mere 8 feet away prepared a bottle for you. Obviously you had other plans. You flipped on your tummy and inched your way over the side of the couch like you would stand up and walk away. Only thing is when I turned to look at you, your feet hit the ground, you fell backwards into the coffee table and slammed the back of your head. I caught you right as your head hit the table.
I have never in my life felt like such a failure as I did at that very moment. Funny thing is I think you wouldn’t have even cried if I hadn’t freaked out like I did. A week later (and a confirmation from a doctors appointment) you are perfectly fine. I’m realizing there will be these moments no matter how I try to prevent them. That NO ONE is perfect and to expect perfection I will run myself into the ground. There will be falls, there will be days where I feel like I NEED to just get away from the fussy baby I can’t sooth, there will be days where I fail as a mom and that is OK. A lesson I want to teach you in life baby is it’s OK to fail sometimes, to pick your head up and move on, that it only makes you stronger for next time. I always like to remind myself life is about balance.
I am an awesome mom I’m proud to say but, I’m also human. I DO want you to grow up thinking I’m an awesome super hero but at the end of the day I am just one person learning how to be your parent just as you are learning to be my daughter. And we will make mistakes, but the important thing is we’re making them together. I hope during these hard moments baby girl rather then freaking out like I did, I can teach you how to handle yourself with grace, how to hold yourself together in the toughest times, it’s a true skill and something I need to work on myself, remaining cool. Hard times and situations bring balance to good lives, they have a purpose just as the good days do. How can one appreciate good without experiencing the bad?How can there be light without dark? It’s Yin and Yang as everything in life is.
I’m sorry I was not there for you at your exact moment of need baby but, this is the first of a life full of tough lessons you’re in for. There’s a part of me that wants to hide you away from the world. Not let you feel any pain ever, not let you ever have your heart broken, but I know while you will hurt sometimes these are lessons you will need to grow and learn from. One thing I can promise you is I will ALWAYS be there for you even if I’m there half a second too late like your fall last week. I will be there for you during your scrapped childhood knees and your first teenage broken heart. I often think about what it will be like when you’re older, I see us having tea together late at night talking about deep things I always longed to have a mother to talk with about. I can’t wait to make those memories with you. I am your stone baby and I will always be here for you through every fall and every mom failure to try harder and know better the next time around. Thank you for your endless patience with me as I grow and learn how to be your mom.